Author: jessicadeeb

Next Session Worksheet/After starting

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Next Session Worksheet/After starting

  1. Review the previous worksheet and take note of any changes.

  1. Other than reporting/updating Jes on what’s happened since we last spoke- what are my focused questions/intentions for this session?
    • Was there anything in particular from last session that helped? What insights have I had since?
    • After my last session, was there anything that we discussed or Jes said that didn’t feel accurate/bothered me?
    • Where am I still stuck? What do I feel motivated/ready to work on?
    • What specific situational examples can I bring to unpack? What memories connect to what I am presently working on?

  1. What are my deeper core issues/fears/beliefs about myself that have been a pattern in my life and/or are surfacing now?
    • What is life trying to teach me?
    • If I were to ask my closest loved ones & friends (those who often interact and/or deeply see/know me the most), what suggestions might they offer about what they consider to be my difficulties? If I don’t know, might it be safe for me to ask them and can I be assured by them that they will only respond in gentle kindness as they try to help me identify areas of growth?

  1. What actions am I working on outside my therapy sessions that is directly correlated with insights gained from therapy?
    • What choices are within my control?
    • What choices are not within my control?
    • What plans have I made to tackle a need/task?
    • What routines need to be implemented?
    • What hard conversations need to be had?
    • List concrete action steps (and mini-steps), as well as time frames necessary for each goal, and track my consistency.

Next Session Worksheet/Starting therapy

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Next Session Worksheet/Starting therapy

1. What are my specific goals at this point in therapy? What will have changed in my life when I will feel I no longer need therapy, given that therapy is meant to be time-limited? 

EXAMPLE: instead of “to be happy,” you might more clearly say “to get back into my routine of consistently going to the gym and drinking less wine at night”

2. Am I engaging in basic self-care?

BEHAVIORS THAT DIRECTLY IMPACT YOUR CHEMICAL NATURE

(i.e., effecting serotonin, dopamine, oxytocin, heart rate, temperature, etc.)

  • Enough sleep/Consistent sleep routine
  • Healthy foods/Following dietary needs
  • Reduce or eliminate depressants/sedatives (i.e., alcohol, sugar, excessive sleep/pain aides, etc.) that are not helpful
  • Reduce or eliminate activators (i.e., caffeine, inflammatory foods, trigger foods, etc.) that are not helpful
  • Consistent aerobic exercise 5x’s a week/Physical therapy if needed
  • Touch (i.e. cuddling, hugs, pets, massage)/Orgasms (i.e. masturbation, sex)
  • Breathwork/Meditation/Prayer/Yoga
  • Time in nature/Sunshine/Cold shower-plunges/Steam room
  • Informative medical tests/Routine medical care
  • If applicable, evaluations & taking medications consistently and as prescribed (see your: PCP, ARNP, psychiatrist)

MEANING-INTENTION

  • Go inward and check-in with yourself often (i.e. taking time to be alone, journaling, asking what you want before asking others what they want, etc)
  • Care for your physical body & physical living spaces (i.e., tracking your cycle, taking showers/brushing teeth, getting dressed/making your bed, going grocery shopping/meal prepping, cleaning/removing excessive clutter, personalizing/decorating, tending to repairs, etc.)
  • Balanced self care-play/work-tasks/caregiving-partnership
  • Responsible finances
  • Getting off mindless screens
  • Engaging nature & connection 
  • Creating or participating in a hobby/interest
  • Honest with yourself about people/choices that are counter-productive to your mental health
  • Living in integrity & with boundaries (i.e., speaking up, saying “no”, not apologizing for your needs, first identifying and then not betraying your core values, holding consequences/accepting there will be disappointment/loss/change/transition, etc)
  • Asking for help
  • Attuning or giving back to something bigger than yourself (i.e., prayer/meditation, being in flow-art/hobby, volunteering/service, etc.)
  • Remaining gentle with yourself and your mistakes, forever beginning again by doing the next right thing or the next thing right, with infinite-unconditional mercy and grace

Compassionate Dialogue

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Compassionate Dialogue

This exercise is the work of truly befriending and taking care of yourself. Working with a therapist is helpful, but no therapist (partner, friend, family member) can talk and shepherd your innermost self as closely as you can. We all need constant and gentle mirrors from trusted others reflecting our worth back to us. But ultimately, your healing has to come from you, to you.

Start with two different colored pens. You will be talking to two voices within you- the Kind Voice and the Upset Voice.

Identify the most unconditionally loving and kind voice or energy you can imagine. It might be from a beloved who is or who is not here, a mentor, a God, a hero, an animal, a place in nature, or even a hope-filled composite. This is your Kind Voice.

Now, identify the upset part of you that’s anxious or angry or sad. This is your Upset Voice.

Have the two voices talk to each other:

The Kind Voice sits patiently with you, hearing deeply and affirming the pain you are sharing. It doesn’t necessarily give answers and it definitely doesn’t give pat platitudes or rose-colored affirmations. Sometimes it’s simply a powerful witness to allow you to see yourself clearly and encourage your upset voice to continue sharing: I know, I see, that is very difficult, I am so sorry, etc. Or, it may ask questions challenging your thoughts. Or, it may remind you of your basic and unconditional worth. Each time you begin a thought from the Kind Voice, consider addressing yourself by a pet name or term of endearment.

The Upset Voice leaves nothing unsaid, especially things it doesn’t want to hear itself say. It can ask questions, demand answers, be petty, rage, release all its hurts, explain and repeat itself, want things to be different, etc.

Back and forth, the two talk much like in a therapy session- patiently exploring the upset voice with a tremendous amount of curiosity, steady connection, compassion and calm from the Kind Voice. The Kind Voice is always available to you and will never abandon you, no matter what.

Also, check out Letters From Love- a gorgeous project by Elizabeth Gilbert on Substack that isn’t so much a dialogue but a simple love letter from unconditional Love to you. Click the link (you don’t need to subscribe) to see videos of Elizabeth reading her own Letters From Love.

Next Session/ Intro

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Next Session/ Introduction

to Focused Therapy

Focused Therapy Only 

  • My practice is geared towards focused therapy and our work will reflect this.
  • Focused therapy is like physical therapy to fix an injury: deeper and difficult feelings will be accessed, it requires active efforts during your session AND active efforts on your own between your sessions to apply the practical insights you are learning
  • On the other hand, supportive therapy is more like a massage at a spa: evoking more cathartic/pleasant feelings, requiring passive participation only during your session, and no work is expected between sessions. Supportive therapy would include simply reporting on/updating about events between sessions without any new insights or actions, venting about things outside your control without taking stock of what is in your control, coming to sessions not prepared with a focused intention for why you booked the appointment, or simply attending therapy out of habit but not being ready to make further changes right now.
  • Insurance requires that our time be focused- just like physical therapy.
  • I’ve found that the more conscious/intentional (focused) you are about each and every session, the more you will getout of therapy.

Insurance Requirement for “Medical Necessity”

Insurance contracts don’t allow general, supportive counseling. Instead, they require that there be a: 

  • Medical diagnosis from the Diagnostic Statistical Manual-5
  • Formal treatment plan with objective/measurable goals that are routinely updated
  • Acute symptoms documented for every session’s progress note
  • Professional/skilled therapeutic interventions for every session’s progress note- not just supportive listening
  • Some form of resolution (i.e. progress towards goals, decrease in session frequency, discharge).

Your Job & Homework 

  • Take notes between sessions to process your feelings, track your progress and identify your stuck points.
  • Complete a “Next Session Worksheet” before each and every session to organize your thoughts and set your intentions.
  • Do not send me your Next Session Worksheet- just keep it with you to refer to during our next session.
  • You will lead every session by telling me where you’d like to focus during our limited time together.

Therapy with an Endpoint

  • To decide what you need to feel better- but then to get very clear about what you are actually ready to work on right now.
  • To identify what you can and cannot control, your morals, your belief system, and to bolster your sense of self.
  • To better understand how your choices and beliefs affect your happiness – even more so than external circumstances.
  • To utilize all the suggestions discussed in therapy that you agree would be helpful.
  • To internalize the unconditional positive regard that therapy fosters.
  • To problem solve, build internal muscles, and self-soothe more and more without therapy.
  • To build a support system for yourself that you practice connecting to the same way you connect to me.
  • To reduce the frequency of your sessions over time.
  • To return only as needed for booster sessions

Therapy for Loneliness & Connection

  • If you enjoy therapy mostly because it gives you a chance to share yourself unconditionally and have time dedicated just to you, that is both important and wonderful- but that is more like supportive therapy, not focused therapy.
  • Being seen and heard unconditionally is an essential need, but my practice is geared towards insurance regulations and having time in my limited schedule to be available to help those who are deeply stuck or in crisis to get professional help.
  • If you find that therapy has become more about your connection to me and not the work you are doing on yourself, then we should talk about what kinds of closeness and intimacy you may need to nurture in your life outside of therapy.
  • I cannot act in a friend capacity due to the ethics of my profession and, therefore, enabling you to rely on me would be a true disservice to you and the relationships in your life that may need deepening.

Scheduling Expectations

  • Appointments are generally scheduled weekly for the first handful of sessions, then every 2 weeks, then spaced out to every 3 weeks, then monthly, and then only as needed. Therapy is meant to empower you to build your roadmap to self-care and is not meant to continue for years at the same frequency.
  • Because we are a focused therapy practice and not a supportive therapy practice, clients in most need (e.g. safety issues or acute crises) will get priority scheduling.
  • Our practice does not take on new clients if we don’t have enough spots for current clients. However, appointment needs ebb and flow, and predicting this is sometimes out of our control.

Conversations with Death/ It’s okay to talk about it

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Conversations with Death

It’s okay to talk about it

Sharing Your Feelings (Saying Goodbye to the Dying)

  • Share some of your favorite, happy, precious memories.
  • Share all of your gratitude for decisions they’ve made on your behalf, sacrifices & love they’ve given.
  • Share what you learned from this person.
  • Ask any questions about wisdom you’d like to still learn from them (or practical information).
  • Share any apologies or amends you’d like to make or forgiveness you want to give.
  • Ask family and friends to write letters about their memories & read them to your loved one & save for when they’re gone.
  • If you are ready (or want to be ready), tell your loved one that you will be okay when they are gone (even though you’ll be sad) and that whenever their body is ready, you are too.

Sharing Their Feelings (To Ask the Dying)

  • What do you want me to know about what you are going through that I or others can’t/don’t get?
  • How can I best help you?
  • Is there anything you don’t want me to do?
  • What gives you comfort right now?
  • What other losses does this bring up?
  • How do you feel about death? Consciousness? After-life? Spirituality?
  • What wisdom would you give to others about life or death?

Sharing Your Wisdom

  • Who did you love and who made you fee loved?
  • What are the people/events/things in your life that you are proud of? That make you smile?
  • What are the people/events/things in your life that you learned wisdom from?
  • Who did you try to love and maybe wish you loved or had been loved better?
  • Do you have any regrets? What would you do/wish for if you could?
  • What do you want to be remembered for/about?

Preciousness of Time

  • What is important to you that you tend to/complete before you die?
  • What do you want to do less of?
  • Do you want to have a celebration of life while you are still alive?
  • Would you like to take more photos or short voice recordings/videos now while you can? 

A Good Day Still

  • What makes for a good day now? (i.e. seeing the sunrise/feeling the breeze, using my medication to not be in excessive pain, eating more dessert, spending more quality time with my loved ones/pet, playing music, calling loved ones over Skype, going on a wheelchair ride, getting my hair brushed, foot rubs, listening to an audio-book, etc)

For Beloved Pets

  • What do you want your pet to know? Tell them now.
  • What would your pet say to you right now if they could speak? Imagine them telling you now.
  • Remember and share the story of how you found your pet.
  • Remember and share your pet’s personality, favorite things and memories.
  • How can you spoil your pet now?
  • Do you want to (have someone) take special pictures of you both right now?
  • Do you want euthanasia at home (e.g. Lap of Love or Pet Angel) or at the vet?
  • Afterwards, how might you want to honor your pet? Keep a patch of fur? Paw print? Make a donation to a pet shelter? Volunteer at a pet shelter? Foster another pet? Adopt a pet in need?

Support

  • Who is your in close support system?
  • Who is in your general support system?
  • Who can help with physical medical/wound care?
  • Who can help with bathing and toileting?
  • Who can help with medical appointments?
  • Who can help with chores & bills?
  • Who can help with meals?
  • Who can help watch over you if your main caregiver needs a break?
  • What do your caregivers need so that they are replenished?
  • What kind of help would be most helpful? What kinds of “help” do you not want?

Health Care Wishes

  • What are your healthcare wishes?
  • What treatments and care do you want?
  • What do you not want?
  • Do you believe in euthanasia?
  • Do you want Last Rites?
  • When is it enough to say it’s okay to pass?
  • Who do you want to know about your status, what do you want them to know, and when?
  • What accommodations and beauty do you want in your home/hospital/care center?
  • Do you have a will for your power of attorney, health care surrogate, estate?

The Dying Process

  • Who do you want to be there with you, if anybody?
  • Where do you want to die? (home, hospital, Hospice Care Center, other)
  • What do you want for comfort?
  • What are you afraid of?

Wishes for After

  • What are your wishes for after you die?
  • For your body? Autopsy? Donated to science (e.g. medical students, body farms, etc)? Cremation? Viewing? Buried? Planted and recycled?
  • For your pets?
  • For your memorial service/funeral?
  • For your beloveds’ lives? (e.g. Reverse Bucket List)
  • For your beloveds when they get sad thinking about your death?
  • Do you believe in leaving “signs” to those still alive?
  • For your beloveds when they are happy and moving on?
  • For your home?
  • For your money & belongings?
  • For your legacy?
  • For your birthday? Holidays? Anniversary of your passing?
  • What can we start putting in your Memory Box?
  • What do you want me to hear you saying/remember when you are gone?

Grieving Rituals

  • Traditional funeral
  • Pet funeral with friends
  • Celebration of Life
  • Sitting Shiva: Jewish ritual of sitting for 7 days with family, thereby allowing your world to stop and grieving together.
  • Creative touchstones:
    • Bury symbolic object, purchase a bench, make a donation, jewelry holding ashes, etc.
    • Write a eulogy of their life
    • Write the narrative of why it was their time to die (especially if their death was a shock, sudden and/or complicated). Write the story as you understand it and leave spaces for what you don’t still understand and may never.
    • Collect a memory box or book or slideshow/video of stories, photos, clippings, objects, etc
    • Make an alter/sacred space, wall collage, music playlist, portrait, poem, donation, etc,
  • Grieving ritual (especially for caregivers/frontline workers): to release the dead, for those left behind, for yourself as the witness, for the those who tried to soften the blow, for those who were absent or indifferent or confused or cold or cruel, for the unanswered questions, for Life itself to go on. 

For the Living

  • Grief comes in waves- unpredictable, temporary, a force of Nature, and a necessary part of the cycle of release. As much as you possibly can, say “I am willing to let it wash over me” and fully let it. The wave will recede once again. 
  • Everyone processes differently and in their own time. Some need to wipe clean their eyes, clear away all the objects that hold memories, and go out into the world. Others need to weep, curl up in a cave, and build a shrine. Yes to all of these ways of grieving.
  • Tell others if you want to talk about your loved one or if for right now you don’t or if it’s fluid and just asking each time is best. People often don’t know what to say and instead may say nothing at all. Give yourself permission to start the conversation about your loved one if you are wishing others would. It’s not a burden to share the bitter parts of life with your friends and family- it’s what we are here for. If you find that some are unable to show up for you or are possibly avoiding grief altogether, this happens too. Find the people who aren’t afraid of death- people like me, support groups, front line workers, spiritual folk, a kind person nearby who also knows loss first-hand, etc.
  • If you find yourself trying to re-enter the world and weeping in public, go ahead. Tears are truthful. Why would we apologize for crying in this hard world?
  • It’s okay to move forward. It’s okay to laugh. It’s okay to be okay again. It’s okay to love again. It’s in our biology to find happiness- we are wired to reach for relief after such a grave loss. Thank goodness for this! Please do not feel ashamed or guilty. Your suffering is not a testament to your eternal love- your living is. Your loved one doesn’t want you feeling sad or doubting if you could’ve done more. That doesn’t serve them. It doesn’t serve you. It doesn’t serve everyone around you that needs you fully here and adding to our collective joy.
  • Please be gentle with yourself if you have regrets. It’s very likely they had regrets of their own, too….but if you wish for mercy and peace for all that was unresolved in their life consider extending that mercy and peace to yourself as well. Let your regrets melt into taking better care of those around you now- don’t let the precious energy behind your tender feelings go to waste. So much of the world is made better by paying forward what you cannot pay back.
  • Forgetting memories of your loved one is completely normal. I promise. I hear it all the time. It doesn’t mean you love them less or are leaving them behind. I think of it as carrying them fully inside you, integrating them into your being. They are the water and sunshine and nutrients that grew you and can’t be separated from you now. They in your ideas and values about life that they inspired, in the part of your heart that didn’t harden and was kept soft by their love, in the light and wisdom that flows through you when you realize people really do leave one day. Just like you don’t think about taking a breath when you breathe, you don’t necessarily think about the specific memories of being loved when you Love. This is natural and is a testament to our inter-being. Everything is so completely forever connected, the seamlessness is almost hidden.
  • Ask yourself what amazing parts of this person you want to have an intentional after-life through you and your actions.
  • Ask yourself (if you have enough in your reserves) if there is someone grieving that you can sit with or perhaps you will find an opportunity in the future to be a salve for someone else’s pain.
  • Be gentle with yourself.
  • Onward, dearhearts.

Life and death support each other. They are not enemies.  –Tich Nhat Hanh

Conversation Starters/ Questions to become curious again

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Conversation Starters

Questions to become curious again

Wishes

  • If you could have free, unlimited service for five years from an extremely good cook, chauffer, housekeeper, masseuse, or personal secretary, which would you choose?
  • Would you be willing to have horrible nightmares for a year if it would be rewarded with extraordinary wealth?
  • If you could relive one year of your life, what year would it be?
  • Describe the home you would like to design for yourself.
  • If you could have any view from your back porch, what would it be?
  • If you were given money to remodel your house, what would you change first?
  • If you had $500 what would you buy for fun for yourself? For a need for yourself? $5,000 $20,000? $200,00?
  • If you could make decisions for someone you love, what would you change?
  • What supplies would you get at an art store if you had free money? What ways do you enjoy being creative?
  • What famous person, dead or alive, would you like to have dinner with?
  • If you could have a superpower, which one would you pick?
  • What historical time period would you most like to visit?
  • If you could donate a million dollars to a charity, which would you choose or start?
  • “I wish….”
  • If you had to choose a new first name for yourself what would it be?
  • In what event would you most like to win an Olympic gold medal?
  • If you could win any competition in the world, what would it be?
  • If you could have front row seats to any concert or show, who would you like to see? Favorite already seen.
  • If you could find people like you with a very particular interest or personality, who would you like to find?
  • If you could choose to change one small thing in the world what would it be?
  • What 5 questions do you want to know the answer to?
  • What would you do if you had 2 extra hours to spare everyday?

Future

  • What medical breakthrough would you like to see in your lifetime?
  • What goal do you hope to accomplish this year? 
  • Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 
  • What’s on your bucket list?
  • What do you think people will be nostalgic for in 50 years?

Fun

  • What would be a fun joke if you had an identical twin?
  • Who is the most joyful person you know?
  • Tell a funny joke you know.
  • Share a funny memory or something that made you laugh hard.
  • If you were to get a tattoo, what would you get?

Memories

  • What is a favorite something/collection of your childhood?
  • Share a special memory or event from childhood.
  • What childhood memories do you have playing outside/in nature?
  • When you were young, what did you want to be when you grew up?
  • How were you different when you were young?
  • What’s the weirdest/dumbest thing you’ve ever done?
  • What school subject was most difficult for you?
  • Who was your favorite teacher and why?
  • Share a time when you were really scared or did something scary.
  • What was your best Halloween costume?
  • Share a time when you laughed really, really hard.
  • What was your first time being a parent or pet parent like?

Favorites

  • TV shows/Movies
  • Books/Section of a bookstore/Authors
  • Podcasts/YouTube Channels
  • Social Media influencers
  • Online sites/Platforms
  • Color/Scent
  • Restaurants
  • Foods: Appetizer/Soup/Breakfast Meal/Cereal/Lunch or Dinner Meal/Dessert/Candy
  • Item that has made your life easier?
  • Vacation- you’ve been to or would like to go
  • Staycation- what would you do?
  • Exercise? Sport to play? Sport to watch? 
  • Gift received
  • “If I could have any animal in the world as a pet, it would be….”
  • Party game/Least favorite
  • Which of the following rides would be your first choice: Gondola in Venice? Cab in London? Ferrari on the autobahn? Hot air balloon in Switzerland? Airboat in the Everglades? Raft down the Colorado River? Carriage in Paris?
  • Best/worst purchase
  • 3 favorite things to do specific to this city?

Work

  • What is most important to you concerning a job?
  • If you had to work but didn’t need the money, what would you do?
  • What are the most stressful parts of your job? What are the most fun/satisfying parts of your job?

Selfhood

  • Best/hardest part of this week?
  • What 5 words would you use to describe yourself?
  • What is a risk that you took that you are really proud of?
  • What is something you wish you had said “yes” to?
  • What do you like most about your home?
  • What are 5 things you are thankful for besides your family/pets, friends and health?
  • If your partner/best friend wrote a book about you, what do you think it would be called?
  • If you wrote a book or gave a talk, what would it be about?
  • What are some values or beliefs you want people to take from watching you life your life?
  • When and where do you feel most relaxed and peaceful?
  • “I lose track of time when….”
  • What was the best day of the past week and what made it so?
  • Would you describe yourself more as an extrovert or introvert?
  • What is something about your ethnicity/heritage you think is neat or want to pass on?
  • What are some of your quirks/preferences unique to you (i.e. house rules, manners, etc)
  • What would you like to learn or read more about?
  • Would you rather be a great musician, athlete, scientist, artist, politician or writer? If you are already one of these, what would be your next choice?
  • If you had to spend one year living alone in a remote cabin, what would you spend your time doing?
  • Who are your role models/mentors?
  • Who do you sometimes compare yourself to?
  • What’s your proudest accomplishment?
  • Would you choose to be the worst player on winning team or the best player on a losing team?
  • What is something that most people enjoy but you don’t? 
  • What’s a controversial or surprising opinion you hold?
  • What would you like to do that you think it’s too late in life to do? 
  • What’s the most interesting thing you’ve read or seen this week?
  • What big question have you been pondering lately?
  • When is the last time you tried something new?
  • What do you wish you had started and spent more time doing five years ago?
  • What would you do different if you knew nobody would judge you?
  • We have many sides- when do you feel most at ease and in your most natural state?  
  • How have you changed in the last 5 years? Last year?
  • What are you most looking forward to this month?
  • What is something most people don’t know about you?
  • What has been on your mind this week?
  • What was the last thing you got angry about?
  •  What is your greatest strength and biggest weakness?
  • Are there any important dreams you’ve had while sleeping that you hold onto?
  • How would you like to be celebrated on your birthday or special holidays?
  • What is one of your bad habits or guilty pleasure?
  • What is something you will never do?
  • What are some things that drive you bananas? Pet peeves? Stresses you out?
  • What remains undone that you’ve wanted to get done for years?
  • What habit would you like to start?
  • What’s an embarrassing moment you can share?
  • If you could do something dangerous just once with no risk, what would you do?

Discussion

  • If you were a high school principal what is something you would do?
  • If you were president what is something you would do?
  • If you could change a law, what would you like to see changed?
  • What are some of the values your parents instilled in you?
  • Do you believe in God? Free Will? Something else?

Relationships

  • What are the characteristics of a good relationship or things you specifically look for?
  • If you are a parent, what would you most like to do if you weren’t? If you are not a parent, what part of being a parent do you think you would enjoy most?
  • Of the 6 Love Languages (gifts, acts of services, quality time, verbal affirmation, touch, and space) in which order do you think you want the most?
  • Describe an especially strong person you know.
  • Describe an especially kind person you know. 
  • Who/what do you miss?
  • What do you value about the personalities of each of your immediate family members?
  • Are you more of an introvert or extrovert? (An introvert mainly recharges by being alone/in quiet- it has nothing to do with being shy)
  • What are 5 things you haven’t shared that you would like to say out loud to someone if you could?
  • What is your definition of Love?
  • What are some of the nicest things that have been done for you?
  • What wish would you give to the people you care about if you could (e.g. best friend, family, partner, etc)?

Wisdom

  • What advice would you give a younger version of yourself?
  • What is some of the most helpful constructive criticism you received?
  • What are some of your favorite quotes or pieces of advice: On relationships? On work? On self? On life?
  • What is something you think every person should experience in their lifetime?
  • What or who could you pay more attention to in life?
  • What motivates you in life?
  • What lessons in life did you learn the hard way?
  • What are you sure about in your life or about life itself?
  • What is something you used to believe about love or life that you’ve learned otherwise?
  • Hardest change of your life/thing you’ve done?
  • What is something you wish you could do over?
  • Are you holding onto something that you need to let go of?
  • What are some of the hardest things about getting older? What are some of the best?
  • How do you want to be remembered when you are gone?

Healthy Relationships/ When communication is unhealthy

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Healthy Relationships

When communication is unhealthy

Healthy relationships are foundational to mental health and mental health directly impacts our bodies- the amount of stress we carry, how we sleep, our energy levels needed to function, and how we take care of ourselves, etc.

Read each of the statements below and see if any fit for you- whether you are on the receiving end of a behavior or you are the one doing the behavior, or both.  

Many strong, smart, successful, good people can find themselves in relationships that either have some unhealthy aspects or that are toxic all together. Or, they can find themselves acting in ways that aren’t skillful or are unhealthy. There are many, many reasons for this and what needs to happen next is different for every relationship and every person.

If, after reviewing the following statements, you find that even some or many fit for you please consider finding a safe space within yourself or a compassionate person to explore why this might be and what you most want for yourself.                                                                                                                                         

You may also want to consider counseling for yourself (and only if it’s safe, also for your relationship). Counseling can help you to carve out time to focus on you- to feel your feelings, hear yourself think out loud, and reflect- with someone kind who won’t judge you or press you to make any changes before you are ready or want to.

Reactive Communication

  • Defensive/Unable to receive feedback
  • Simple requests become power struggle
  • All or nothing thinking
  • Refusing to integrate your memory/intentions/feelings or new facts/explanations about an event into their current understanding
  • Short fuse

Verbal Difficulties

  • Cold/Ignoring/Stonewalling
  • Hurtful speech excused as “just joking”/Biting sarcasm
  • Hurtful speech excused as “just telling the truth”
  • Hurtful speech excused as if you/other are “too sensitive”
  • Condescending tone
  • Focuses on your weaknesses/Tells you you’re “crazy”
  • Yelling
  • Cursing
  • Calling names
  • Bullying/Demeaning
  • Kids/pet upset by what they hear or seeing you/other upset
  • Not willing to apologize/take responsibility
  • Starts apology but pins underlying blame on you/other
  • Lose your voice/Conflict avoidant (if not always, with specific people)

Mistreatment

  • Refuses to engage in basic comforting because sees it as “coddling”
  • Unequal responsibilities that should be shared
  • Addiction (pot/alcohol/drugs, work, electronics, porn, etc)
  • Emotional/Physical Affairs
  • Overspending/Debt (secret/unattended/growing)
  • Lying (including small lies)
  • Disappearing
  • Self-centered/Lacking empathy

Power & Control

  • Minimizing/Denying/Blaming
  • Making all big decisions without you/Acting as the only capable & smart one
  • Treating you/other like a servant/less than
  • Using male privilege
  • Not giving access to important info
  • Controlling/hiding finances
  • Steering away from making your/their own money
  • Giving an “allowance”
  • Taking your/their money
  • Using jealously to justify actions/Possessive/Paranoid
  • Controlling what you/other do, how you dress, who you see & talk to, social media, read & watch, etc.
  • Betraying privacy
  • “Testing” you/Assuming the worst & making you prove yourself
  • Double-standards/Moving goal posts
  • Gaslighting (telling you something you know to be true isn’t true)
  • Making you/other feel guilty for taking the focus off their needs to address yours
  • Shifting the responsibility for the abusive behavior
  • Saying the abuse didn’t happen
  • Love Bombing (showering affection to keep from holding yourself/other accountable)
  • Smothering/Guilt for choices not revolving around other/you
  • Using children to relay messages
  • Making you/other feel guilty about yourself/other as a parent/human
  • Punishing with an emotionally hurtful behavior
  • Intimidation using facial gestures/body language

Manipulation

  • Ultimatums
  • Coercing you/other to do things against your morals
  • Coercing you/other to drop charges against them
  • Threatening or telling personal things about you/other to others to expose/shame you
  • Threatening to report you/other (i.e. to police, state, job, etc)
  • Threatening to harm self if you/other act out or leave
  • Threatening to harm you/others if you leave
  • Threatening children being taken away

Physical Harshness

  • Aggressive posturing
  • Getting in your physical space
  • Blocking exists or taking your keys
  • Displaying weapons
  • Throwing/Breaking things
  • Pulling hair
  • Shoving/Shaking
  • Slapping/Hitting
  • Punching/Choking
  • Wounding you/other
  • Torture
  • Kids/pet upset by what they see or seeing you/other upset
  • Rough with kids/pet

Sexual Manipulation

  • Unwanted attention/Sharing private images without your consent
  • Putting you in an uncomfortable situation
  • Sexual manipulation
  • Sexual harassment
  • Unwanted touch
  • Sexual assault
  • Rape/Pressured/Non-consensual/Not wanted

Harassment

  • Unwanted texts, phone calls, emails, mail
  • Showing up uninvited at your home
  • Showing up uninvited at your work
  • Following you
  • Threatening harm to you/your status/opportunities/themselves/those close to you
  • Using visitation with kids to harass you